sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
