his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
i believe in u and ur pee
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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