i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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