Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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