Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Randomize
