before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
