I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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