i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
