I want to make a zoo with you.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
