so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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