onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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