my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
