Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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