That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
