i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
