Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
