i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
