i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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