Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
