I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
