Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
