I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
