1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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