Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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