I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
