i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
