Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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