i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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