I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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