You really coming over, don't trick.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Who died my cat blue again?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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