he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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