I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
