you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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