I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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