dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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