I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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