Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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