am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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