When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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