i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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