I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
