I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize