so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
