Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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