im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
