I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Nicole vs. Life
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
