How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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