that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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