Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
my shit smells like andre
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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