saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
