Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
