This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
