I hate your face
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize