Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
