so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
cat food counts as protein by the way
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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