I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
