Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
