Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
