Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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