Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
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