You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
