if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
