overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
