from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Randomize
