she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
