Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I supernannyed him into submission
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
