I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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