He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
